And we'll get through this too...

Today/Yesterday a good friend of mine committed suicide. I met him shortly after auditioning and getting hired to work entertainment at Disneyland. I have a lot goin on in my mind right now, and must get some rest. Before I do, I write this in remembrance of this horrible day. Allix was truly an amazing person, and one of those that never seemed like he was ever depressed or out of the loop. He really was the life of the party and made everyday worth clocking in for. I saw him two days ago at Disney. I went as a guest with my niece and my mom, thanks to Karen we were able to get in free that day. While in costume, he went out of his way and ditched a line of about 40 people just so he can et my attention and say "What's up motha fuckaaa!!" haha. And gladly enough, my mom had her camera and took that picture of that last moment I shared with him. I'm gonna miss this guy like crazy. This all really feels like a dream to me. Every moment so unreal. I wonder if he can feel the love we all have for him here. And if there's a god, and a heaven and hell....I know for a fact that he's in heaven. I don't believe in god, or a god, and because of that, I'm able to understand and know that this happen because of human nature and the fact that there are triggers in each of our minds that make us think, say and do different things, and sometimes, things that aren't of our norm. And those who believe in a religion, that's great as well, because you have your reasoning behind it all as well. And either way, as long as you find comfort in what you believe and that it helps your through the shittiest of times, then that's when it really counts. Just as Christianity helped me through my brother's murder in 2001.

For the record, I love every single one of my friends. Disney, Chaffey High School, Fiasco!, Theatre friends, Family, Home Depot, and all the other places I've come in contact with. You all mean the world to me.

Special love and thanks to Andrew Ducote and Trey Everett for the endless amount of love and comfort I was given at Allix's memorial get together tonight. <3

It's only up from here.

Sometimes I stop and look at the life I'm living. There has not been one thing that I have said "I should have done that..." or "wish I would have done that differently". There's so much I have done in my life by just living in this mediocre city...and there's so much more out there for me to conquer I can't wait.

Sometimes we get caught up in what we're doing and we don't appreciate what we have, or what we've done, or what's gonna come out of the present project or movement. I'm very much involved in the arts, one way or another. I'm living the life that I've always wanted to live and it's only up from here. Sure I'm broke...literally $1 to my name, besides the extreme debt that I'm currently in, and sure I'm still living at home with my parents...but with out these things, I really wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't appreciate what's to come. I'm surrounded by SO MANY talented friends...who all mean so much to me. Lot's of musicians, actors, singers and dancers. Not to mention writers and people who just have a passion for the arts. It's all a matter of time, really. And it's all gonna break loose. So I write this...so that I will never forget the position I was once in. Though broke, and not exactly in the position I would love to be in, I am still living the dream. And I'm loving every minute of it.

Thank you all. Family, friends and fans, there is absolutely no way for me to do what I love to do if it weren't for you. I'll remember this forever and I will give it all back. I promise. One way or another. <3

We just need someone to show us the ways...

How do we fix this? We don't. We walk, we talk, and we watch it all fall down. I am afraid. The moment I declare my feelings, my situation, and the moment my heart pours out into words and actions...there's always something more telling me to hold back, walk away and play the game. And it's not even the game, it's something that I can't even explain. In the end, will I be happy? I will be successful, yes. Happy? I don't think that's possible anymore. Sure, this doesn't make sense to you, but it's for me. When I feel it, I vent. Not many would understand so I don't talk about it. Here I type behind fog and mirrors, and maybe you can take something from it.

Sometimes I wonder if I can even take something from this.

Maybe I'll fall asleep now, dream about something that will make me feel like I'm flying in the arms of one so protective.

There are better things. We just need someone to show us the way.

Where do we go...

Where do we go...

This would all be better if my brother was never killed. Life, relationships, decisions. It changes everything. Let alone the fact, having my brother here. And life goes on...

These times will pass by...

I must say...

...there are times I wish I believed in a "god". I miss the days where I felt I can throw all of my problems onto someone else, something else, this god. I feel like maybe my days and nights would go over a bit easier. When times are hard, I now have to face the problems like a human being, not someone who believes in fairy tales. Tonight is one of those nights, where nothing feels quite right. Wish I could throw it all on you. Not you, but you know what I mean.

Til i find the days are going my way, I will have face the fact that I'm here alone, without any higher power to "take control"...or so it would seem. But I suppose this is the price I pay to be free. And it's worth every penny.

Daniel 10:07pm

This house holds more than just appliances.

Saturday mornings...back when I was about 9, 10 years young, I would wake every Saturday morning to all of my brothers running the house. My parents usually trying to relax from the crazy week we put them through, but now it's the weekend, which meant that it's our time to rule the house. Every weekend our life was invested into some type of sport or activity. Truly, not ONE weekend was ever free. I wish I could give my parents a nationally recognized award for this.

Growing up, there were five of us. Boys. And then my Mom and Dad, who are still together to this day. These days, this home only houses me, my brother Daryl, my Mom and my Dad. Today I woke up hearing my brother Daryl playing Beatles Rock Band. A few songs from the greatest band this world has and will ever know, along with drum sticks pounding on the rock band plastic "drum set". Doesn't sound too pleasant, and usually isn't, but today it reminded me of my entire life.

I shared a room with Daryl til I was 14 and he was 15. When he woke up, that usually meant that I was waking up as well. We'd start playing playstation together or playing with our Power Ranger toys. And the music coming from our room was either Spice Girls, Hanson, Blink 182, Backstreet Boys (sometimes) or some random oldies. The next room over was Dennis's and David's room. Always playing from their room was either Bone Thugs N Harmony, Dr Dre, Green Day, Foo Fighters, Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, The Offspring, or some random "modern" R&B radio pop jams. And the next room down from there was our oldest brother Dwayne's room, always listening to Vanilla Ice, crazy DJ tracks, and some Hip Hop and House music. And once in a while my mom felt the need to put on some Sher and Gloria Estefan. So you can imagine how crazy my house was. It was a circus. Every room, blaring a different style of music.

I miss having this house filled with brothers. It's sad to know it'll never be the same, no matter what. Sometimes I wish all of my brothers would move back in, just so we can feel that feeling again. But let's not get out of line now.

At least I have these moments to look back on and cherish as if they're of priceless value, because in the end, no amount of money can purchase the love built here in this home. And I can only hope that I raise a family so similar to mine.

The hippie, the artist, the thug, the athlete, and the rocker.

My house was...is a historical land mark.

Daniel

12:00 noon

Sunflowers

It's these times, I realize that life would be so different if my brother were still here. Everything would be, music, art, family, holidays, relationships, love and his garden.

Daniel

11:00am

April 2nd, 2010