I guess if it works for you...

As if this god is sitting on his thrown "upstairs" and controlling everyone's life. As if he is directing where we go and what we do. Yeah, sure he's got it all "under control". I guess about ten years ago he was taking a shit and not working his remote control when my brother was murdered. How fucking stupid can people be. And these are my FRIENDS who believe this. Do people really believe this god controls everything? You can't just "blame" god for the good. You gotta be consistent. Blame him for the good AND bad. Guess my brother "deserved it" according to this belief. Absurd.

Countdown to 24

In about an hour I will be 24 years old. A number my brother never got to see. I appreciate this birthday more than the last. Thanks to everyone who's ever supported me in the last 15 years of music of my life. It's all nothing without you. < 33

I refuse to believe in a god that lets his world suffer.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I don't believe in a god, more specifically I refuse to believe in Christianity. If you don't know where I'm coming from read all of my previous blogs.

I was once a Christian, which actually makes me so glad, cause I've been on that side to understand their way of thinking. The side of, "If you're not a Christian, you're going to hell." How arrogant. I was so hardcore that I believed "faggots" are going to hell cause The Bible actually SAYS that. Crazy right? IN-SANE. Just as with any other religion people can believe what they want. But the fact that people are going to hell for not believing or just because a man wants to love another man, and a woman to a woman, no thank you. Not the god I want to believe in.

And in all honesty... suppose your god is real. Everything in that book, and everything we've heard is all real....I much rather go to "hell" and be there with my brothers and parents than to live this life serving this god who let's his world suffer.

"If I'm going to hell...all my friends are coming with me."
-Jim Morrison

Thankful...

It' Thanksgiving 2010. It doesn't even feel like it! But. you can bet your ass I'm excited =) My brothers are all going to be in one place at the same time, which is rare these days! Even then, my oldest brother Chones won't be with us for the 9th Thanksgiving since he's been murdered. Pretty crazy to think we've come this far without him. Sure I believe he's with us, I'm very big on spiritual belief, but having him physically in a room is far more powerful.

What am I Thankful for?

I'm love SO many people in my life, but there are those who have made me who I am, literally. And those who have got me to where I am today. The following are those who I hold higher than the rest. There is no need to be offended if you are not listed, for I love so many, with so much.

(In no particular order)

DAVID LEI BRANDT has made me the performer I am today. Everything he's performed in musical theatre has inspired me to not only be in musical theatre but to out do myself every time I get on a stage. My whole theatrical "career" I have strived to be as good as David Lei has been, and is on stage. Confidence, stage presence, vocal ability and brother love.

MR. MASTERSON, once in my eyes as the "scary teacher" in the theatre who yelled at me and my band geek friends when we were going down into the theatre basement at Chaffey High School's Winter Fling 2002 where I met his son David Lei. And then once viewed as the teacher and theatre director who can make me cry infront of 40 other advanced drama students, and now a friend and my theatre father. He has pulled SO much out of me. In short, he taught David Lei everything he knows....and I'm so inspired by what David Lei has done and does....so I guess we can trace that back to Mr. Masterson right? So I thank masterson for everything he's given me in these past 8 years.

JON ESPINOZA has gotten through A LOT. My biggest state of depression was about a year and 2 months ago. I was dating someone, who evidently is a whore who went to Paris and hooked up with her ex. NICE. Learned a lot from dating her, but never again, thanks! Jon was there for me, good and bad, this entire past year and 2 months. Writing some of the best songs I've ever written, performing in a musical side by side for the first time ever since Les Miserables 2002, and just spending time together going places and living life like best friends do. Thanks for getting me through so much Jon.

FIASCO! Wow, what an amazing band. Brent, def UP there with one of the best songwriters I've ever written with. He brings so much to the table at a Fiasco! rehearsal. His voice, his stage presence, song writing, love and sacrifice. Without him, Fiasco! is just another garage band. And Brandon, our drummer, wowwwww, if you haven't seen us live, you don't understand how great he is live on stage. I love his humor and talent. He's the comic relief of our band, yet he's such an amazing drummer, who will have your back in any fight you may get in =)

ALFONSO GARCIA & RACHEL ZONNIVILLE have always supported everything I've ever done. Rachel has known me since elementary school and has seen me go through every single band I've ever been in and has NEVER forgotten about me. So much and support and love from her, it's crazy. Alfonso, along with Rachel, supporting everything I do, and at times very blunt about how I've inspired him in his life, and that alone means so much to me. He's so dedicated to theatre, we share so much when it comes to talking about musical theatre, the Beatles and talking shit on people we can't stand.

BROTHERS, I am NOTHING without Daryl, David (Kammo), Dennis and Chones (Dwayne). And I don't say that lightly. Talk about brotherly love....we are inseparable! The moment ONE of us is in a situation, we are all ready to drop anything and run to be together and fight through whatever it is, sometimes, literally. growing up in this has with four older brothers....there is nothing more I can ask for in my life. Because of them, my life is already complete.

MY PARENTS have been through SO MUCH SHIT. They've sacrificed their LIVES for us. So much that I STILL don't know the entire story of how we've become where we are today. And they continue to make a difference in each of our lives. it's unbelievable how much I owe them. They would say, "You don't owe us anything." But I can't wait to buy them everything they've ever dreamed of.

ANTHONY TRUJILLO, although I have not seen or talked to this guy in a year, I've tried many times but apparently some things are just more important than those who love you most. But I don't forget how much he meant to me and still means to me. He is THE BEST musician I've ever worked with. He can write a pretty badass song with in minutes in one sitting. He comes up with ideas that I would never think of. I've always wanted to write and entire album with him, but I'm not too sure if that's gonna happen anymore. But what I do know, is that I've shared some of my greatest days with this guy. Thanks, and I love you <3

JULIAN ARELLANO, such a beautiful soul. I've experience a lot of good times with this guys. Especially from 2004-2006. Great musician , singer, actor and has such a great heart.

ANDREW DUCOTE is def the most charismatic person I've ever met. Everything about him is so bright. I met him working for Disney. We worked together on an average of about once a week in my 2 year run at Disneyland. But in time, we became closer and closer. Even now, I'll make the 1 hour and 10 min drive out to see him because I can't imagine my life without his love, jokes, laughter and amazing ideas. He's an amazing actor and an even better friend. <3

JACOB STEELE. He is the ONLY friend who ACTUALLY moved to New York after he graduated like he said he would. We all had that dream, but Jacob....he actually lived it and still is. With a wife and an apartment. A great job in Times Square and a career in song writing. He is by far the most loved friend I know. And he gives back just as much love if not more. He's song writing skills are genius and his voice is angelic. And though I don't believe in religion, he has a great love for god and of all people, he makes me wanna believe, and that's saying a lot =) Jacob is my only TRUE "Brother from another mother". He is the original. He's everything I love. And though I see him once a year, it's beautiful every time.

DARLINA LOPEZ AND HER FAMILY had gotten me through THE WORSE moment in my life. Since the murder of my brother til about 2 years after. They were my escape and helped me find an out when I knew there was nothing left in life to care about. I dated Darlina at the time, (shortly after the funeral) and she made me forget everything. It was the first time I though I fell in love. And still looking back, I believe in was love because she gave me what no one else could. The entire family, including Wayne and Joey. You all helped me through the most horrid point in my entire life, and I'm sure it just may be the height of what my heart will feel til the end. Thank you. I'm not sure if I;d still be alive today if it weren't for you.

Again, this list can go on and on. But these are the people who made an impact so much on my life that I can't help but pay my respects.

And my life has made some additions with in the last 5 months in whole. A lot of new friends from Camp Rock the Musical, and just a few others I've met along the way. Found someone I wish to spend my everyday with, and I've never been happier...truly. If this is where my life remains, then I can find content in being in the position I'm in, and that's what matters most. <3

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope your family is together on this day, just as mine will be in 4 hours from now.

"March of the Meanies"

The title of this blog has nothing to do with what I'm writing about...I just happen to be listening to the The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" movie soundtrack.

It's been a while since I've blogged, vented, informed...whatever it is that I do. A lot has happened, is happening or is going to happen. I'm both excited and stressed.

Here's where I am today:

I am now 3 weeks into working overnight shifts at Vons in Anaheim Hills. A lot of people freak out when I say Anaheim Hills, but the reason is, Jon and I plan on moving out to Orange County in January 2011. So I wanted to make sure I had a steady job before I made any big decisions. I'm making shit money there but it's Union and in about a month I'm gonna start getting benefits, which is actually pretty amazing cause I've never had insurance in my entire life. Back in the 80's (before I was born), There was a wave of illegal immigrants who corrupted our country and took away all of the great paying jobs in construction, plastering jobs in the specific situation, that my Dad was working on. Keep in mind that my Dad had to GO TO SCHOOL for his profession...and what a slap in the face for illegal aliens to come steal an American's career. Little did we know that would be for the rest of this country's being...but that's a whole nother story. What I'm trying to say is finally I'll have insurance to actually get check ups and be straight up healthy and up to date with what my body is feeling. Also with this job, I'm slowly getting back on track as far as paying my car on time and so on. Hoping to save up for a new laptop and guitar, as well as recording equipment.

I'm eagerly awaiting for my guitarist Brent to get back home from touring with Disney's Allstar Weekend. So happy that he's on tour working with them, but I miss him and my band! My drummer Brandon is working with Rufio on tour as well. We're all just doing so much right now, I miss them like crazy and NEED to perform a Fiasco! show soon. It's been about 3-4 months since I've performed with them =(

Meanwhile, I'm still writing music with Jon. We're called 12 Days In Paris and we're pretty excited to know that we have "fans", family and friends who support what we do. We started out doing this to vent, have fun and record what we've created. Turns out people love it and actually buy our music on iTunes, which means the world to me. It's amazing that people wanna buy the music that I once wrote late night sitting in my room on my futon with coffee. I was just writing in the form of therapy for myself to get over relationships, sluts and hard times. I enjoy what I write, including 12 Days in Paris, Solo and Fiasco!, I'm overwhelmed in the best way possible with the VERY minor "success" I've come across. Every fan/friend I gain and every dollar someone spends on my art, means more than anyone will ever know....anyone. Thank you, I owe it all to YOU and my brother.

We're doing Camp Rock the musical again. I'm really excited to put it up for a second time. I've dedicated my summer of 3 months to this cast and musical, and we're fortunate enough to perform it once again Dec 2-12th. Sadly a lot of people think they don't have to take it as serious as they did the first time we did it. So a lot of the cast is lagging it. But having done 14 musicals by now, I know that opening week of dress rehearsals, every single show and every single cast gets real serious during that time, cause it's "hell week". So I can't wait for that. To me, it's not hell week, it's what I crave and live for. And still, I think there are some cast members who are in this for the "fame"......exactly......what??? People joined this cast thinking we were gonna be famous Disney stars. I never thought that for one second. Though it's AWESOME that we were on the Disney Channel, I never thought it would make me any money or get me anywhere. This is just another musical I'm devoting my life to hoping there's an audience who will appreciate what we do.

The holidays are coming up...can't wait for Thanksgiving. And then Christmas?? Hell yes. I love it. And then the New Year will start...I wonder what the future holds. The good and bad. I wonder where I'll be this time next year.

For those who read my blogs...thanks. I started this to blog my life so I can have something to reread in time, and learn from my own "wise words". It helps so much to vent on here. But thanks to those of who take time out of your day to learn about my life and see what my mind has in store. I appreciate the love <3

It's absurd...

I used to believe what they believe. I used to call them faggots. I used to yell at them and tell them that I'm gonna kick their ass for being gay. I would literally yell across the school campus, telling a gay student to suck my dick. Quite absurd right? Wrong, fucking ridiculous that I would even THINK of those things, let alone actually say them in public to embarrass and put these human beings in awkward and at most times in depressing situations. I was a fucking ass hole. And there is not one ounce left inside of me that is proud about it. But I will say., I'm only glad I went through that phase because I now know where these modern day ass holes derive from. I know their tactics.

It wasn't until I started performing in musical theatre productions at the age of 15 that I started to become friends with gay guys. And after high school, my eyes opened WIDE when I hired into the Disneyland Entertainment department. And in NO TIME, some of my best friends were gay. Now I'm 23, almost 24 and I have tons of gay friends. Guys and girls. Each and every one of them, specifically chosen as a friend just as I choose my straight friends....they're amazing people with beautiful souls.

Of course, something that really has affect and continues to, is my brother's murder. It changed my life. As any person would assume. But in this specific case, my brother was full of love. And in the years that have now passed, I've realized the equality between those who are heterosexual and those who are homosexual. I used to hate....I mean hate homosexuals because I was a "hardcore" Christian. Yup...the Bible SAYS it's wrong. It says, "If a man is to sleep with another man, he has committed an abomination and he shall be beheaded. His blood will be upon his own head." Fuck that. Bull shit. I refuse to believe anything from a book that says that about loving human beings.

It's hard to be part of the generation that is making a movement in the acceptance of homosexuality cause we're seeing all the pain our friends and family are going through. But imagine those who were gay in years passed. Where you couldn't even be open about it with your closet friends. We're definitely in a better day....but soon it'll all be for love. And the future will be much better off in this aspect.

One more step closer to "peace"

"Times are changing, Reb Tevye."

There's something about this last month, that has got my mind going in all ways possible. From a slight depression to quite possibly the happiest I've ever been when in the presence of one of the most beautiful souls I've ever came in contact with. Not only catching up with friends and expressing the deeper side of thoughts about life and why it is what it is, and secondly, creating songs with one of the greatest friends I've ever had the pleasure of becoming a writing partner with, but also the sight of watching a flower grow. From smooth, yet bothered beginnings, to it taking it's course and slowly becoming in full bloom. Such a pretty site to see...beautiful. The way the sun hits at an angle so perfect that it can quite possibly make an atheist believe there really is a such thing as a god. Sure I don't believe, and don't see myself changing at all, and for rightful reasons that you will never even be able to contemplate when the struggle is expressed to you, but this site of near, if not flawless, perfection, is enough proof to make a non believer question his own beliefs.

"Even fairy tale characters would be jealous." - PlayRadioPlay!

Love Out Loud

And there's nothing we can do
Because life never stops for you
We've gotta love out loud while we can
Sooner or later we loose everything we have

Even the tiniest things stand out to me.

Just made Top Ramen, just the way my brother used to make it. How do I remember these things? It wasn't on purpose, but just so happen, I remembered he made it this exact way, a different way than most would. 9 and a half years later, I either find myself picking up where he left off or a lot of little things bring his presence back.

I'm just a year older than he was when he was murdered. Can't help but think, what would he be doing if he were still here?

And why? You know? Something that nobody will ever understand...why these things happen. And we're forced to move on.

To be grateful.

Years...years of give and take. Or so I assumed, and so I will still believe to see it that way. But here we are today, in a new day and age where I've become the performer I am and continue to crave a live audience. Whether I believe I'm good at something or not, or whether a critic believes I perform well, or mediocre, I will attest that the passion, love, effort, time and sacrifice I have given is quite the toll. Nowhere in there, and not once have I thought it was a waste or an effort at charity. I enjoy and thrive off what I do, and the response of a crowd filled with many different types of critics, whether the feed back be positive or negative. Through the good and bad, the thick and thin, I've remained loyal, grateful and humble. This was all not for nothing, it was been a pleasure and a gift to me. I cry when thinking of all the memories. I've gained so much experience, stage presence, family, friends, talent and confidence. I will never regret. But in the moment of a day like today, it's hard not let it feel like smack in the face. Pushing myself since I was 9, my mind craves the world's spotlight. On multiple levels of reason. Never again will I put aside another passion of mine to help and benefit another. I will choose my focus wisely, in thought of benefiting myself and the community. It's a shame to feel so put away. To be looked passed. And still I learn. And I still thank you. I still love you. I still appreciate you.

Eminem said it best...

There's nothin more rewarding than to hear and see someone judge you. Truly. As horrible the action may be, we all do it, and always will. But my favorite is when somebody assumes they know exactly what's going on and they know exactly who "you" are. I've heard great compliments in my life in which I will never forget, nor live down, nor take for granted, but I've also heard the worse possible judgments, critiques and put downs ever. All of the above being true or false, I take it all in, and enjoy it for what it is. But my favorite thing is when somebody has me "alllll figured out", some people just know me more than I know myself. =)

"I am whatever you say I am.
If I wasn't, why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, everyday I am.
I don't know, it's just the way I am."

-Eminem

Camp Rock

Dear cast of Camp Rock:

We did it. We truly truly did it. 2 months and 8 days ago we all auditioned for what we now know as one the greatest experiences of our lives. We ALL beat out the remaining 450 or so other people who auditioned for this musical. That audition had to have lasted 6 hours or more. And it was 2 months and 1 day ago that we all met as "cast" for the first time ever. The little theatre was packed. The amount of talent that filled the room is incomparable with any other cast I've been a part of. From dancers, to singers, to actors and even break dancers. I can still remember that day, I was so excited to be a part of such a new cast of people. I've met so many amazing people, and now great friends. I still can't believe how well each and every character fit their parts for the show. The ensemble....I give it UP to you. I dance ONE number, and the rest of the show, I'm playing guitar and singing. You ALL rock out for the entire show. If you've been in my dressing room, you've prob heard me and Nick (Jason) talk about how much we give props to you guys. We can't imagine remembering every dance move and keeping the energy throughout the entire run of the show. Congratulations on being the most charismatic and energetic cast I've ever worked with.

Rehearsals, were CRAZY. We really had to rehearse in a cafeteria for like, 3-4 weeks?? What??? And we DID IT. We all showed up in horrible summer heat, and we rehearsed. Dedication from every one of you. And as hard as it was, we took our show to the stage with about 6 rehearsal days left. And we took what we knew from blue tape on a cafeteria floor and brought it to life on the great stage of Gardiner W. Spring. We had cast members driving to rehearsal from all over the place. Janis driving from Long Beach, Cristina and Nick Walker from Anaheim Hills, and Nick Sloan and his mom all the way from San Diego. This show was not possible with out this entire cast. We started with about 96?, and ended up with about 85 I believe. And here we all are now, closing night is here. We have every single memory to look back on and laugh, enjoy and love. We have video footage and digital pictures to capature very few and the many amazing moments had in this cast.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangggg, we're gonna be on TELEVISION???" -Sander (Bon Bon)
You guys...we're gonna be on the Disney Channel. How cool is that?? Our cast, ONLY our cast of Camp Rock had the privilege of having Meaghan Martin from Camp Rock come to OUR theatre and spend her entire day with us. Not only was she the sweetest person, but she loved our performance, she even said that she can't do what we do. And that our cast is better than hers?? Wow. Now that says something. The entire Disney group that were there Friday night, freaked out over our performance. This is all because of you. We all made this possible. And on September 3rd, we'll all be watching the Disney Channel loving our lives. And no one can take that moment away from us.

From day one...I can't lie...I will say that it was a bit embarrassing to tell everyone that Jon and I were auditioning to be Jonas Brothers for the stage version of Camp Rock. Though I wanted to be a part of it all, it was still a bit awkward to tell some friends and family members. When Masterson got the rights to do the show, it was about 3am when Jon, Jacob Steele and I decided to go to a 24 hour walmart to buy Camp Rock 1. We ONLY bought the DVD of Camp Rock. The three of us grown men walked to the cashier, put down the dvd and said, "It's not what it looks like." Except, if she really knew why we were buying it...it probably would have sounded even MORE ridiculous. Haha. So we bought it, went home and watched the entire thing. My point is, today....there is no part of me that is embarrassed to say that I'm part of a Disney "Jonas Brothers" musical. It's insane how great our production is. Every part of each one of us should be extremely proud. We paid our dues and we proved that what we did this entire summer, was totally worth it.

It's closing night! Let's put it all out there for that audience to see tonight that we love what we do. And as sad as this day may be, let's remember that we'll all be back in November rehearsing to do it all over again =))

I love you guys.

I really mean it.

Have the greatest closing night one can have tonight. <3


"The friends we made, the fun we had, remembering's gonna make me laugh. It's a beautiful thing." -Shane Gray


"This is our song, that's all that matters cause we all belong right here together. There's nothing better than singing along. This is our summer, this is our song." -Cast of Camp Rock

.

Having the time of my life.

We are officially more than half way done with Camp Rock shows. Total of 9 shows, and tonight we have completed show number 5. I can't express how much fun I'm having with such an amazing cast. At 9pm, August 16th, it's going to be a sad moment. It will all be over, and who knows when we'll all see each other again, if ever. It's the truth about musicals, just like our director says, "You will NEVER be on a stage again with this exact cast." I've met some of the greatest of people here in Camp Rock and have seen friendships grow and break. Without camp rock I wouldn't have grown to be such a good friend of Leanna (Mitchie Torres), Bon Bon (Sander), and new friends Nick (Barron) and Cristina (Tess). There's SO MANY ensemble members that I have enjoyed spending my everyday of summer with. You all mean so much to me and I will NEVER forget this experience with you all.

After 7 years, I've got to act along side my best friend Jon. So much with him, I love that we got to share the lead roles of "Connect 3" together.

And though this Monday coming up will be a sad moment in a lot of our lives, to see such a huge project be put away, I'm very excited to continue working with the LOVES of my life: Fiasco!, 12 Days In Paris, my musical 22, writing more music with David Lei, and looking forward to a progressive future.

Thanks to everyone who has made this show extra special. You know who you all are and I wouldn't want it to be any other way. I hope to work with many of you in the near future with any project that comes our way.

Tomorrow call time is Noon, and we won't leave our theatre til 9pm at night. Gotta love it. Can't wait.

Til next time...I'm having the time of my life.

"Wake up in the morning feeling like JOE JONAS." -VFC

It's here....it's crazy to think the day is actually here. Camp Rock opening night is tonight...(tomorrow). I've NEBVER been in a more talented cast then this one. Truly. This is THE most fun I've ever had in a show, and this is the MOST talent I've ever seen in my run of musical theatre. I've never been more proud to be in a musical before. Such a great cast. And we're ready for this. We've been rehearsing so much, and now it's time to show everybody what we've been up to. Tomorrow/today...I will wake up feeling like Joe Jonas. I've been waiting for this day for the past 3 months. I'm gonna miss it when it's gone....but for now, while it's here, I'm gonna give it all I've got.

"This is our song, that's all that matters cause, we all belong, right here together. There's nothin better,than singing along, this is our summer, this is our song." -Camp Rock

Leanna (Mitchie), here it is. Can you believe it? Let's go big or go home. <3

What more can go right?

Camp Rock is looking and sounding AMAZING. There are times where I will stand and watch the opening of the show, as well as other numbers like "It's On", and I just look at everyone doin their thing...acting, singing, dancing, performing...everyone in this cast is soooo good. I look around and just can't believe that it's all really happening. About 85 people in one room, doing what we love most. Being apart of something so special and so new, and performing our hearts out. It's amazing to sit back and watch it all come together.

My drummer Brandon was recently on tour with Rufio handling business on the road loving life and now my guitarist Brent is on tour with Disney's Allstar Weekend. It's all such a great feeling to see our lives progressing. When we're together AND when we're apart, there's always something happening with Fiasco! and I love it.

One of my best friends David Lei is out on tour in Germany with his group Varsity Fanclub living the dream. I couldn't be happier with allll of our lives. I love where I'm at. In the best band in the world, in a Disney world premiere, and getting fit again.

It's only up from here. LML.

Nights like these need to be remembered.

So far...today is by far my favorite Camp Rock rehearsal. I love full cast rehearsals cause I get to see EVERYONE. And we get to see what Camp Star has been rehearsing and vice versa. I'm gettin really excited for this show to open =)

Got some bomb Juice It Up with Gabe, Leanna and Cristina, then a great 4 hour rehearsal, finished up with a strong 4 hour pool party =) Lot's of great people, friends, cast members, all around amazing conversations.

For the first time, I tried the chair levitation trick with one guy in the chair and 4 of us using two fingers each. It didn't work for the most part...and one time Gabe sat in the chair and we tried it....it didn't work and Orion got frustrated and said, "Man Gabe! You just fat!" haha, it was awesome.

So tomorrow/today...I head to all three malls in my area to buy most of the Shane Gray costumes. I need three outfits. Shouldn't be too hard. =)

My voooiiicceee

Wow. Today: I went the Macy's in the Montclair Plaza mall to buy tattoo cover up makeup. $52 gone with in minutes. But I gotta do it for Camp Rock!

Headed to rehearsal and recorded voice tracks from Noon to 6pm, Jodie (theatre mom) was nice enough to order 3 boxes of pizza because we went 2 hours pass our deadline on time and we had rehearsal from 6pm-10pm! Sooo, I ended up singing for 10 hours straight today! I think a total of about an hour of actual rest time. I couldn't believe it. But we got a lot done that's for sure.

10pm a few of us went to Regina's grandma's house....amazing, cause they had a pool, and right away I jumped in. I needed it bad. Lisa made BOMB sandwiches and then we have dessert. Daaamn, I shouldn't have had it, but I ate it anyway. It felt great.

Such a great day, even though my voice was over the 10hour run with in the first 4 hours!

But I love it. I love this show, this cast, this moment in my life.

Camp Rock: Week Five

Wow, such a great show. These rehearsals are flying by. I love so much of the cast. Sometimes it hits me and I can't believe I actually got the part of Shane Gray in a Disney World Premiere. Crazzyyy. I worked so hard for the part. It feels good. Opening night will be insaaanee to experience.

The entire cast is getting closer and closer as the days of rehearsal go on.....well MOST of us are =) haha. Realistically its hard sometimes witha cast of 100 people who are all so different. I've met so many different personalities. I love it. Really.

So today, Zooly (Zoolena) came into rehearsal and gave me one of those pennies that you put in a machine and it smashes it and puts an imprint of something on it...well she remembered that one of our first conversations was about how much I love penguins. She went to Sea World yesterday and totally got me a penny with a penguin printed on it! Soooo dope. I loved it...love it still. Zooly's such a thug.

Well we have the entire FIRST ACT done for the show except "It's On"...which will be finished next monday I believe =))

Feels good to be a part of something so big...so fun.

Years in the making

Okay, let's have a talk...

At age 9, my Dad bought a drum set for the entire family. My four older brothers, my Dad and I would play this set probably every single day since the time he bought it. At age 10, my Dad bought me my first electric guitar. As any aspiring musician would, I practice every single day for a half hour to an hour for about 2 to 3 months til my heart was content with the basic chords I had learned. With in the first 2 weeks of picking up the guitar I wrote my first song called "Thinking of You". Wasn't superb, seeing that I was only 10. I went on to write surf style music. No vocals. With my brother Dennis on drums, we started performing at my elementary school's assemblies on Friday mornings. Went onto Middle School and performed at small gatherings and a few lunch time concerts in the Mutli Purpose Room. At this point I had my own band. Started out with my brother, and then met some musicians in Junior High and formed a band here and there. In this moment in my life, I began to perform at recreational venues all over the Inland Empire. By the time I hit the end of Sophomore year in high school, I was in the band Unforgotten. and had performed at least an under-exaggerated 150 shows. Began to perform solo at every coffee shop and street fair possible. Created a band called Xanimo with a few friends and went "balls out". We performed every place imaginable around all of Southern California. I quit the band and continued with my solo career as a singer/song writer. About 2 years later I joined the greatest band I've ever came in contact with....Understated. With in a year we changed our name to Fiasco!. Fiasco! has changed my life immensely. Instantly we went on our very own "Poor Tour 2007", and a year after that booking shows at House of Blues, Glasshouse, and every venue you can think of on the strip in Hollywood. Summer of 2009, we were asked to go on The Vans Warped Tour '09. Since then we haven't stopped hustling, and here I am now.

Every show that was performed above, for the most part, was "Pay To Play". Which means the band I was in, never got paid for what we did, we sold tickets or literally paid a venue to perform. Because you've gotta put in the time and effort before someone notices you and see's that you're worth the money they're putting up. In the career I'm headed for....I am nowhere near what I want to be doing. BUT, I love every minute of this and I appreciate everything I come across, and I understand that it takes time, money, effort, passion and persistency to obtain what I crave. And I will not stop. I literally will reach fame or die trying. I haven't changed my mindset since I was 10 years young.

I didn't wake up one morning....let's say a year or two...or three ago, and say "Hey, I play guitar.....I'm gonna find some friends who play and sing too, and form a band and walk into a venue and just get shit handed to us." It doesn't work that way. Fiasco! has obtained so much in the past 2 years that we're finally getting recognition and I love it. It's the greatest feeling to see all of your hard work pay off, even if you're not getting paid. Now I will say, now days, we get paid for what we do. Even if it's small amounts. I just love seeing the change, the turning point in a career. Especially one of which is part of the artistic field. Again, I'm taking in every moment now and appreciate aht I have, and just love watching it all unravel. It took years to get to where I am now....and it's going to take a lot more to get to where I'm going.

With that said, thanks to every single family member, every single friend and every single fan that has supported me and my bands since day one. Even if you just discovered Fiasco! at the last House of Blues show....you have no idea how much it means to me that you now have love and support for us. With out any of you....I CAN'T do what I do. I cannot. There would be no reason to perform live if it weren't for you. Thank you so much. I will never forget you. So long as you never forget me =)


And for those of you who read my blog posts....thanks. I use this site to blog my thoughts and moments in life...as well as venting to "no one". But turns out, I check out my profile views and see that I have a coupe followers and I love it. Means a lot.

Daniel Durston

Too good to not blog.

This has been a great weekend to say the least. So much has happened, all in good times.

Saturday Night, July 3rd, my band Fiasco! performed at the Downtown Disney House of Blues. This was my fourth time playing there with this amazing band. First we opened up for The Aggrolites, the next show we opened for MEST, and after that we opened for the almighty, Everclear. Looooved it. This time we were the "support" of the headlining band "No Duh", a No Doubt cover band. We got tpo perform a 45min set, which was awesomeee....it was such a big time slot that we weren't prepared to fill the entire thing out, so we came up with 2 and a half clutch songs to fill in the time and keep the show running. Fiasco! alone, we sold about 50 tickets presale, and about 15 came to the door for us. GREAT crowd. It was packed. The opening band was good, we came in with the clutch energetic performance, and headliner No Duh closed it out with a 20 song set.....yeah 20 songs! I can't wait or our band to be playing big sets like that. That'll be the life. House of Blues treated us so well this last show...We were in dressing room B, with our own shower, Bathroom, TV, drinks of all sorts, couches and just chillllin all day til we went up to perform. I love it. i can't wait til my everyday is that moment. Performing music....paying bills just because I get to make people feel good through my experiences that I express through music. Thank you all for coming out to support any and every show of ours....even since I was 10 years young....it means SO much to me. In a good way, it surprises me that you care to come out and see me and/or my band perform for you. It amazes me, the love and support we get from family friends and fans. With out you all there's no reason I would ever step foot on stage. Thank you <3

Sunday, 4th of July, my 3rd favorite holiday, but a strong 3rd favorite. First Christmas, then Halloween, and the 4th!
Had a small bbq with David Lei, Orion, Gabriel, Alfonso, Rachel, Jayk, Maranda, my brother Daryl, Cristina, Nick (Barron), Jon, Danny, my mom and dad, Maranda's mom and dad, and later on my brother Dennis came and joined in on the fireworks with his daughter and my love Danielle =) After that we headed over to the Lee's house, where we held the after party and got some dope ass games goin on like, beer pong, flip cup and f*ck the dealer. Def sent our friend Alfonso straight the "porcelain god" haha....flushed his glasses down the toilet....clutch story...sucks when it happened, and still does...but about a month from now, he will hold the "epic drinking night" story. I love you Alfonso, Lol. The night ended well....def good times to be remembered.

Woke up the next morning, July 5th, and headed to Vegas to perform with my friend Tay. She tap dances while I play guitar and switch over to a bass drum. It's pretty dope. We got the highest rank in scoring for the national dance competition in Vegas but didn't place in the top 10 =/ But we had a fun night that night. My brother drove both ways, so I got to sleep a lot...uncomfortably in a scion TC mind you.

Got home today around 3pm and had Camp Rock rehearsal frmo 6pm-roughly 930pm....GREAT cast. Love them all....well most. Lol

Had a much needed Corky's visit, and am awaiting my much needed hang out with Jon the love of my (straight) life.

"Shambles: My Life" prt. 1

(Insert sarcasm here)
Don't you love it when you're having a shitty, an awkward, wiiieerd day and just when you try to make it better it only gets shittier? I looooove it. Like if I can ask for anything more, it would only be for a shittier day you know?

YEEAAAHH

Comfort food? Nope, just $15 more in debt with myself. My life....shambles. ha *the most emo blog*

I'll be for real...I hate it when friends act like they're on your side and totally trying to please you and the next minute they're behind your back just making it all a bit worse. Unknowingly and unintentionally it happens. Not for worse....but it sure doesn't help for better. Why do people do the things they do? Like hide feelings or hide what they want? This world would be a lot better off if we all just said what was on our minds. And that includes myself. I usually say exactly what I feel, what I want and what should be said, because I never give a fuck, til it comes to friends.

"What's with today today?" -Empire Records

Loooooooooooove today.

Hide Away Your Judging Eyes

Sometimes staying up late....and eating an entire dinner at 230am can turn bad?

For the first time it came to life last night.
Reality sets in and there's only so many corners in which we can hide
Here we talk, we meet, we share our life story.
Here I find myself running deep.
There are other places I rather be.
So I drive home to a silent home.
Here my parents sleep.
I'm awake and the world inside my head creeps.
Who here can see what my eyes see.
Who here has lived the life I seek.
"Somethings are better left undone
Some songs, better left unsung"
One minute on top of the world
The next your life is in shambles from the risks and gambles
Here, I stress, no time for rest
I write I sing I play
In hopes that I'll be discovered some day.


Premature facade
Hide away your judging eyes
Nothing here is to stay
These days will be remembered as regretful times

Live out loud.

You are the reason for my everything. Every song I sing, every chord I play. I live out my life to impress and entertain you. I love because you taught me how to. I paint with the brightest colors on white canvas because your art is priceless. My heart is poured out onto every stage I walk on only because you showed me how important it is to live the life I dream of. Today I live the dream because you never got to.

Camp Rock: Week Two

Wow, every day, every rehearsal getting better and better. Getting to know more cast members and seeing the show slowly come together. So far, we've got down two of the dance numbers, and pretty much have every song down, just need a few adjustments vocally, but besides that, this show is ready to be put out onto the stage. Our first blocking rehearsal was last night 6-10pm with the entire cast. Which means Camp Rock and Camp Star got to work together (which is rare), but awesome, because it brings fresh faces to our grounds, that's right, our grounds =) I love it. Though the brothers aren't in the opening number, we worked on our harmonies on all of our songs and then watched "Brand New Day come together live on stage =))

For the record, I am having the TIME OF MY LIFE. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll keep bringing it up, but I love this cast. All of them. It's so diverse that it's insane. I love it! And I've been getting to know and have been getting closer to mine and Jon's "brother" Nick, who's playing the part of Jason Gray in the show. He's such a great guy. Great energy and enthusiasm. His mom is pretty awesome too. I've still got sooo many more cast members to meet. There's like 103 total? And I prob only know 40. Gotta get to work!

In sad news, I had two crazy ass sharp headaches shoot through my head at two random moments today. I don't know what that means but it hurt like hell. Point is, if I die soon, bring lots of colorful flowers to my funeral. Where white and tell it like it is when you speak of stories infront of the audience. Thanksss. And please nothing to do with god. Sweet, thanks!

Peace.Love.Music.Livin The Dream

Camp Rock: The Final Jam (Week One)

Well...one full week (5 days) of rehearsal have now passed. Today is by far my favorite rehearsal to date. I'm having the time of my life and living it out with some of the best friends and cast members I've EVER worked with. This cast is superb. I love it. I can't wait to get know more of the cast members. I've already met a lot of them, and they're awesome. Nick (Jason Gray in the show) is an awesome guy, he fits right in as that character and gets along great with me and Jon. We're great as "brothers" ha.

Today we did our first song as the brothers and w/ensemble..."Heart and Soul". Amazing. Sooo much fun, and all three of us had hoarse throats. ha. And still it sounded pretty good! I can't wait to start blocking and singing our solo songs. Can't wait to sing the duets with Leanna (Mitchie). It's gonna be so much fun.

I'm actually dancing in this show. Craazzy. I love it. Jon is such a great choreographer, along with Larina tearin it up. It still has yet to set in, but I'm enjoying every single second and this experience. I'm so happy to be where I am today.

Bobby Wuertz: "So how did you feel when you heard that you were cast as a Jonas Brother in the show? "
Nick Sloan: "I don't knoww...it still hasn't set in...so ask me in a month."

hahaha, EXACTLY how me and Leanna feel. Sooo crazy.

Tomorrow we have a 3 hour dance rehearsal for "Can't Back Down". It's gonna be great =)

Sir God McCartney

Let it be known, that you will NEVER put down the god of music. Sir Paul McCartney is the reason why we have SOOOO much music today. People have no idea. People are OUT OF THEIR MINDS if they think for one second that he's "Just a person." On FB I posted "Sir Paul turns 68 years of genius today. June 18th is a religious holiday to say the least." She posts "He's just a person."

I've never deleted and blocked someone quicker on my facebook page. I plan to never see this bitch again in my life and if I do, she will hear it from me.

I rather hear "Who is he?"..... instead of "He's just a person." Dumb bitch.

World Premiere of Camp Rock the Musical

It's 2:16am...

just now got home from what is one the greatest days of my life. It's all so unreal that it really feels like I'm dreaming. Today was our first Camp Rock cast meeting/rehearsal. Everyone there was great, AMAZING personalities and GREAT talent. A cast of 100 people can really overwhelm you when you're used to casts from 40-60 tops. I've met a lot of new friends, and it's only the first day. I wonder what will come of it all.

At the end of rehearsal our director kept a select few of the cast members to be considered and finalized as the leads of the show. All very stressful for the past month or so, working so hard to get a lead role..though very happy to even be a part of something SO huge. For those who don't know, Disney had asked our Director to be the very first to produced the World Premiere of Disney's Camp Rock the Musical live on stage. NO ONE has done this before.

At the end of today's rehearsal, it was announced that I will be playing the part of Shane Grey, which is portrayed by Joe Jonas in the original feature films, Camp Rock 1 and 2. I am TRULY grateful for this opportunity. It's unreal. I will be the first person to portray Shane Grey/Joe Jonas in this live on stage musical, Camp Rock: The Final Jam. I am so thankful to be a part of this great production.

And taking the stage with me among the amazingly talented 100 person cast are a lot of my great friends Tasha, Gabe, Tyler, Alfonso and my best friend Jon. I haven't acted side by side with him since Les Miserables back in 2002. He was about 11 years old and I was 15. And my leading love interest for the show is Leanna Arredondo playing the part of Mitchie which was made famous by Demi Lovato. Leanna is another great friend who I can't wait to perform with....so much talent, it's gonna be an adventure.

We have rehearsal almost every single day, I can't ask for anything more. I'm so excited to see where this takes us all, as friends and as performers.

Look out for ads on TV because a camera crew will be coming to our rehearsals to get some footage of our production of Camp Rock to promote it on one of, if not THE biggest television channel in the world, of course, the Disney Channel.

This show opens August 5th 2010 and runs the 6th, 7th, 8th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th and closes Monday the 16th of August.

This is going to be sooo much fun.

LML.

I like to smile when my wallet is filled with a couple hundred dollars.

Ever realize that money is the root of all happiness? Let's be real...If you're broke, you're not happy whatsoever. I've been in many different financial situations in my life, even at the age of 23. I've been BROKE, I've been comfortable, and I've been well off for what it is. And I can tell you, I've been happiest when I was "well off". Definitely NO problems. Everything I needed I had, everything I wanted, I bought. Hanging out with friends, working out, eating healthier, or just eating out at restaurants of my choice...it all made my life so much happier. Whoever came up with "(The love of) Money is the root of all Evil" is OUT OF THEIR MINDS. Clearly they've never been broke before. Money completes all things, sad, but true. I can't wait til I'm filthy rich. Filthy. Rich. Let's take this moment to appreciate that I'm broke......haha, yeah right.

Like a slow moving hurricane

It's rare that I write 'poetry', I wrote this a while back and just now found it. I would love to share it with who ever may care to read it.

"Like a slow moving hurricane."

Depression sets in like a slow moving hurricane
She sleeps well, while I stay awake from breathing deep like a heart transplant patient's chest pain
I can't feel what it's like to be loved again
There's a hole in my chest, where her head used to rest.
And now this colored screen plays the dvd for no one to see while I try my best, and put my patience to the test
Hoping in time this'll all change, like the light bulb in the sun that projects light rays that travel and reflect the blue off her eyes
Painting a picture as beautiful as the world's ocean at sunrise, in the sky.

She searches deep for something meaning more than what she thought it'd be
In the end it was words on paper like caution text warning you how to go about life safer
But like the print on bottles and boxes, numbers and letters stating nutritional facts on plastic paper
It's small ink that no one cares to read, and he just so happen to write it smaller than your contacts can see

So he left you alone, romantic nights you spent at home
Laying in bed in a white dress
Nothing to hold onto but your pillow case over flowing with your wedding day's regrets
So this is the night that you dreamed of all your life, ever since you were young
Instead of the white aisle of pedals and transparent bubbles
Your walking down a row of books that read "Fiction", foreshadowing your marriage situation
Walk backward into the morning's realization, walk away before you're bleeding and left to uphold evidence that lead to his Conviction of your condition

Now you've reached your peak
Looking through this kaleidoscope, finding you're missing so much more than just one piece
Years went on with hands tattered and torn from every female he beats
Take a look back on your past and view that he's used every code that enables foreign remote control cheats
It's time to fill those wounds with soil and seeds
We'll watch the flowers grow
We'll watch them bloom from day into night
Take hold of these angelic wings, use them to soar the canvas skies
I find truth and love in watching the magic in your eyes light up the night like multi colored fireflies

Waiting to wake up

So unreal. Everything. Everything seems so fake right now. A good friend of mine committed suicide this last weekend. I met him when I hired into Disneyland, (which still to this day, the best thing I've ever done was audition for that company). Instantly, Allix became a brother. I hadn't seen him for an entire year now, til last wednesday when I went to Disneyland and saw him working. It was like we never "left" each other. It was amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better goodbye. I was broken the night I heard about his death, and last night was his Wake, and today was the funeral. I'm holding it all very well now, but assume it's because I got it all out the first night. I wrote a song for him called "He's Just Lost", and it's by far one of my favorite songs I've ever written.
The point of this post is that it all just seems so fake. Last night I saw his body in a coffin, horrible right? Well as I was looking at his body, I was just "waiting to wake up", so I didn't break down, I stood there and thought to myself and told him that I'll continue my solo career always, because he was such a fan of my acoustic music. Watching all of my Disney friends walk into the church, crying, depressed, in distress, it was not cool. Usually when I see these friends, it's always at Disneyland or at a party/dinner/get together, and it's ALWAYS fun times, this is the first time that it just wasn't okay. All such a crazy experience.
Lately I've been extremely broke, doing all things/projects for free trying to find new artists to collaborate with on film, writing, music and much more, but problem is, is that I do it for free thinking it'll pay off in the long run, problem is, I need it to pay now, not later. So it's tough. Just overall it's not a great situation to be in right now. Luckily I have amazing friends. From all over. From Disney friends to my theatre friends who keep me distracted and keep me smiling =)

Thank you all. Special thanks to one amazing friend who makes me want the best of all worlds, Jon Jon. It's unbelievable how alive he makes me feel <3

And we'll get through this too...

Today/Yesterday a good friend of mine committed suicide. I met him shortly after auditioning and getting hired to work entertainment at Disneyland. I have a lot goin on in my mind right now, and must get some rest. Before I do, I write this in remembrance of this horrible day. Allix was truly an amazing person, and one of those that never seemed like he was ever depressed or out of the loop. He really was the life of the party and made everyday worth clocking in for. I saw him two days ago at Disney. I went as a guest with my niece and my mom, thanks to Karen we were able to get in free that day. While in costume, he went out of his way and ditched a line of about 40 people just so he can et my attention and say "What's up motha fuckaaa!!" haha. And gladly enough, my mom had her camera and took that picture of that last moment I shared with him. I'm gonna miss this guy like crazy. This all really feels like a dream to me. Every moment so unreal. I wonder if he can feel the love we all have for him here. And if there's a god, and a heaven and hell....I know for a fact that he's in heaven. I don't believe in god, or a god, and because of that, I'm able to understand and know that this happen because of human nature and the fact that there are triggers in each of our minds that make us think, say and do different things, and sometimes, things that aren't of our norm. And those who believe in a religion, that's great as well, because you have your reasoning behind it all as well. And either way, as long as you find comfort in what you believe and that it helps your through the shittiest of times, then that's when it really counts. Just as Christianity helped me through my brother's murder in 2001.

For the record, I love every single one of my friends. Disney, Chaffey High School, Fiasco!, Theatre friends, Family, Home Depot, and all the other places I've come in contact with. You all mean the world to me.

Special love and thanks to Andrew Ducote and Trey Everett for the endless amount of love and comfort I was given at Allix's memorial get together tonight. <3

It's only up from here.

Sometimes I stop and look at the life I'm living. There has not been one thing that I have said "I should have done that..." or "wish I would have done that differently". There's so much I have done in my life by just living in this mediocre city...and there's so much more out there for me to conquer I can't wait.

Sometimes we get caught up in what we're doing and we don't appreciate what we have, or what we've done, or what's gonna come out of the present project or movement. I'm very much involved in the arts, one way or another. I'm living the life that I've always wanted to live and it's only up from here. Sure I'm broke...literally $1 to my name, besides the extreme debt that I'm currently in, and sure I'm still living at home with my parents...but with out these things, I really wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't appreciate what's to come. I'm surrounded by SO MANY talented friends...who all mean so much to me. Lot's of musicians, actors, singers and dancers. Not to mention writers and people who just have a passion for the arts. It's all a matter of time, really. And it's all gonna break loose. So I write this...so that I will never forget the position I was once in. Though broke, and not exactly in the position I would love to be in, I am still living the dream. And I'm loving every minute of it.

Thank you all. Family, friends and fans, there is absolutely no way for me to do what I love to do if it weren't for you. I'll remember this forever and I will give it all back. I promise. One way or another. <3

We just need someone to show us the ways...

How do we fix this? We don't. We walk, we talk, and we watch it all fall down. I am afraid. The moment I declare my feelings, my situation, and the moment my heart pours out into words and actions...there's always something more telling me to hold back, walk away and play the game. And it's not even the game, it's something that I can't even explain. In the end, will I be happy? I will be successful, yes. Happy? I don't think that's possible anymore. Sure, this doesn't make sense to you, but it's for me. When I feel it, I vent. Not many would understand so I don't talk about it. Here I type behind fog and mirrors, and maybe you can take something from it.

Sometimes I wonder if I can even take something from this.

Maybe I'll fall asleep now, dream about something that will make me feel like I'm flying in the arms of one so protective.

There are better things. We just need someone to show us the way.

Where do we go...

Where do we go...

This would all be better if my brother was never killed. Life, relationships, decisions. It changes everything. Let alone the fact, having my brother here. And life goes on...

These times will pass by...

I must say...

...there are times I wish I believed in a "god". I miss the days where I felt I can throw all of my problems onto someone else, something else, this god. I feel like maybe my days and nights would go over a bit easier. When times are hard, I now have to face the problems like a human being, not someone who believes in fairy tales. Tonight is one of those nights, where nothing feels quite right. Wish I could throw it all on you. Not you, but you know what I mean.

Til i find the days are going my way, I will have face the fact that I'm here alone, without any higher power to "take control"...or so it would seem. But I suppose this is the price I pay to be free. And it's worth every penny.

Daniel 10:07pm

This house holds more than just appliances.

Saturday mornings...back when I was about 9, 10 years young, I would wake every Saturday morning to all of my brothers running the house. My parents usually trying to relax from the crazy week we put them through, but now it's the weekend, which meant that it's our time to rule the house. Every weekend our life was invested into some type of sport or activity. Truly, not ONE weekend was ever free. I wish I could give my parents a nationally recognized award for this.

Growing up, there were five of us. Boys. And then my Mom and Dad, who are still together to this day. These days, this home only houses me, my brother Daryl, my Mom and my Dad. Today I woke up hearing my brother Daryl playing Beatles Rock Band. A few songs from the greatest band this world has and will ever know, along with drum sticks pounding on the rock band plastic "drum set". Doesn't sound too pleasant, and usually isn't, but today it reminded me of my entire life.

I shared a room with Daryl til I was 14 and he was 15. When he woke up, that usually meant that I was waking up as well. We'd start playing playstation together or playing with our Power Ranger toys. And the music coming from our room was either Spice Girls, Hanson, Blink 182, Backstreet Boys (sometimes) or some random oldies. The next room over was Dennis's and David's room. Always playing from their room was either Bone Thugs N Harmony, Dr Dre, Green Day, Foo Fighters, Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, The Offspring, or some random "modern" R&B radio pop jams. And the next room down from there was our oldest brother Dwayne's room, always listening to Vanilla Ice, crazy DJ tracks, and some Hip Hop and House music. And once in a while my mom felt the need to put on some Sher and Gloria Estefan. So you can imagine how crazy my house was. It was a circus. Every room, blaring a different style of music.

I miss having this house filled with brothers. It's sad to know it'll never be the same, no matter what. Sometimes I wish all of my brothers would move back in, just so we can feel that feeling again. But let's not get out of line now.

At least I have these moments to look back on and cherish as if they're of priceless value, because in the end, no amount of money can purchase the love built here in this home. And I can only hope that I raise a family so similar to mine.

The hippie, the artist, the thug, the athlete, and the rocker.

My house was...is a historical land mark.

Daniel

12:00 noon

Sunflowers

It's these times, I realize that life would be so different if my brother were still here. Everything would be, music, art, family, holidays, relationships, love and his garden.

Daniel

11:00am

April 2nd, 2010

Love out loud.

March 14th, 2010-1:30am

Sometimes you find the time to sit and think. Unintentionally you begin to search for the meaning of everything. There are far too many things that I can't find the answer to. Recently, as I'm sure we all do, I've been thinking a lot about "the meaning" to most things, and when summed up, the meaning of life.

I can sit for hours and realize that there is no meaning at all. It just happens. But what I do know, is that we only get one of these. What happens after we leave...we won't know til it happens, no matter what you religiously believe. So we have to live this life like it really is our last day of living. Now, I don't mean that the cliche' way of thinking...as in "Live today as if it's your last day"...(example: "let's fuckin party, get drunk and get fucked up til we're sure we're having a good time.") That to me is not the way this life should be lived out. All that is doing, is finding a shorter bridge to the other side. In which could end more tragic than expected, or more so irresponsible than wanted.

My brother was murdered at the age of 22. He lived out an amazing life up until the day he was killed. He was full of love and peace. He loved everyone and everything. Why was his life taken away? Simply because someone fucked up in the mind decided to stab him for no good reason. Yeah, it's fucked up and it sucks ass as everyday comes to an end. But it happened and there's absolutely no way of bringing him back. Just five minutes from my house he worked at a store on Euclid Ave. He was stabbed to death at 5:25pm while the sun was still out. He had no idea that on March 6th, that he would wake up the next morning only to clock into work and later find out that his heart would stop beating.

My point of it all is, I can post this blog up in a few minutes, go out my front door to get something out of my truck and a man can be standing there waiting with a knife, a gun, or even his bare hands. We never know who or when it can happen. Same goes for any tragic incident.

Forgive me, for when I write it seems as if I tread off the path of my intended purpose, but what I'm trying to say is something positive I swear...

When you love someone, tell them. When you want to do something great with your life, do it. When you feel the need to let someone know that they mean the world to you, please express it to them. And most of all, when you find someone, someone who you truly fall in love with, don't ever let them go. Because tomorrow might be the day, you wake up to find that you're life is in a tragic situation, and though nothing may not be able to be done about it, at least you know that you lived the life you wanted to live and you spent it with those you love, and those who love you most.

So be free and love. Live the life you've always been thinking of. Transpose your thoughts into words, and don't let the love of your life slip away into the hands of another. Love out loud.

Thanks for reading what's currently on my mind. It means to word to me <3

Daniel