It's absurd...

I used to believe what they believe. I used to call them faggots. I used to yell at them and tell them that I'm gonna kick their ass for being gay. I would literally yell across the school campus, telling a gay student to suck my dick. Quite absurd right? Wrong, fucking ridiculous that I would even THINK of those things, let alone actually say them in public to embarrass and put these human beings in awkward and at most times in depressing situations. I was a fucking ass hole. And there is not one ounce left inside of me that is proud about it. But I will say., I'm only glad I went through that phase because I now know where these modern day ass holes derive from. I know their tactics.

It wasn't until I started performing in musical theatre productions at the age of 15 that I started to become friends with gay guys. And after high school, my eyes opened WIDE when I hired into the Disneyland Entertainment department. And in NO TIME, some of my best friends were gay. Now I'm 23, almost 24 and I have tons of gay friends. Guys and girls. Each and every one of them, specifically chosen as a friend just as I choose my straight friends....they're amazing people with beautiful souls.

Of course, something that really has affect and continues to, is my brother's murder. It changed my life. As any person would assume. But in this specific case, my brother was full of love. And in the years that have now passed, I've realized the equality between those who are heterosexual and those who are homosexual. I used to hate....I mean hate homosexuals because I was a "hardcore" Christian. Yup...the Bible SAYS it's wrong. It says, "If a man is to sleep with another man, he has committed an abomination and he shall be beheaded. His blood will be upon his own head." Fuck that. Bull shit. I refuse to believe anything from a book that says that about loving human beings.

It's hard to be part of the generation that is making a movement in the acceptance of homosexuality cause we're seeing all the pain our friends and family are going through. But imagine those who were gay in years passed. Where you couldn't even be open about it with your closet friends. We're definitely in a better day....but soon it'll all be for love. And the future will be much better off in this aspect.

One more step closer to "peace"

"Times are changing, Reb Tevye."

There's something about this last month, that has got my mind going in all ways possible. From a slight depression to quite possibly the happiest I've ever been when in the presence of one of the most beautiful souls I've ever came in contact with. Not only catching up with friends and expressing the deeper side of thoughts about life and why it is what it is, and secondly, creating songs with one of the greatest friends I've ever had the pleasure of becoming a writing partner with, but also the sight of watching a flower grow. From smooth, yet bothered beginnings, to it taking it's course and slowly becoming in full bloom. Such a pretty site to see...beautiful. The way the sun hits at an angle so perfect that it can quite possibly make an atheist believe there really is a such thing as a god. Sure I don't believe, and don't see myself changing at all, and for rightful reasons that you will never even be able to contemplate when the struggle is expressed to you, but this site of near, if not flawless, perfection, is enough proof to make a non believer question his own beliefs.

"Even fairy tale characters would be jealous." - PlayRadioPlay!

Love Out Loud

And there's nothing we can do
Because life never stops for you
We've gotta love out loud while we can
Sooner or later we loose everything we have

Even the tiniest things stand out to me.

Just made Top Ramen, just the way my brother used to make it. How do I remember these things? It wasn't on purpose, but just so happen, I remembered he made it this exact way, a different way than most would. 9 and a half years later, I either find myself picking up where he left off or a lot of little things bring his presence back.

I'm just a year older than he was when he was murdered. Can't help but think, what would he be doing if he were still here?

And why? You know? Something that nobody will ever understand...why these things happen. And we're forced to move on.

To be grateful.

Years...years of give and take. Or so I assumed, and so I will still believe to see it that way. But here we are today, in a new day and age where I've become the performer I am and continue to crave a live audience. Whether I believe I'm good at something or not, or whether a critic believes I perform well, or mediocre, I will attest that the passion, love, effort, time and sacrifice I have given is quite the toll. Nowhere in there, and not once have I thought it was a waste or an effort at charity. I enjoy and thrive off what I do, and the response of a crowd filled with many different types of critics, whether the feed back be positive or negative. Through the good and bad, the thick and thin, I've remained loyal, grateful and humble. This was all not for nothing, it was been a pleasure and a gift to me. I cry when thinking of all the memories. I've gained so much experience, stage presence, family, friends, talent and confidence. I will never regret. But in the moment of a day like today, it's hard not let it feel like smack in the face. Pushing myself since I was 9, my mind craves the world's spotlight. On multiple levels of reason. Never again will I put aside another passion of mine to help and benefit another. I will choose my focus wisely, in thought of benefiting myself and the community. It's a shame to feel so put away. To be looked passed. And still I learn. And I still thank you. I still love you. I still appreciate you.

Eminem said it best...

There's nothin more rewarding than to hear and see someone judge you. Truly. As horrible the action may be, we all do it, and always will. But my favorite is when somebody assumes they know exactly what's going on and they know exactly who "you" are. I've heard great compliments in my life in which I will never forget, nor live down, nor take for granted, but I've also heard the worse possible judgments, critiques and put downs ever. All of the above being true or false, I take it all in, and enjoy it for what it is. But my favorite thing is when somebody has me "alllll figured out", some people just know me more than I know myself. =)

"I am whatever you say I am.
If I wasn't, why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, everyday I am.
I don't know, it's just the way I am."

-Eminem

Camp Rock

Dear cast of Camp Rock:

We did it. We truly truly did it. 2 months and 8 days ago we all auditioned for what we now know as one the greatest experiences of our lives. We ALL beat out the remaining 450 or so other people who auditioned for this musical. That audition had to have lasted 6 hours or more. And it was 2 months and 1 day ago that we all met as "cast" for the first time ever. The little theatre was packed. The amount of talent that filled the room is incomparable with any other cast I've been a part of. From dancers, to singers, to actors and even break dancers. I can still remember that day, I was so excited to be a part of such a new cast of people. I've met so many amazing people, and now great friends. I still can't believe how well each and every character fit their parts for the show. The ensemble....I give it UP to you. I dance ONE number, and the rest of the show, I'm playing guitar and singing. You ALL rock out for the entire show. If you've been in my dressing room, you've prob heard me and Nick (Jason) talk about how much we give props to you guys. We can't imagine remembering every dance move and keeping the energy throughout the entire run of the show. Congratulations on being the most charismatic and energetic cast I've ever worked with.

Rehearsals, were CRAZY. We really had to rehearse in a cafeteria for like, 3-4 weeks?? What??? And we DID IT. We all showed up in horrible summer heat, and we rehearsed. Dedication from every one of you. And as hard as it was, we took our show to the stage with about 6 rehearsal days left. And we took what we knew from blue tape on a cafeteria floor and brought it to life on the great stage of Gardiner W. Spring. We had cast members driving to rehearsal from all over the place. Janis driving from Long Beach, Cristina and Nick Walker from Anaheim Hills, and Nick Sloan and his mom all the way from San Diego. This show was not possible with out this entire cast. We started with about 96?, and ended up with about 85 I believe. And here we all are now, closing night is here. We have every single memory to look back on and laugh, enjoy and love. We have video footage and digital pictures to capature very few and the many amazing moments had in this cast.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangggg, we're gonna be on TELEVISION???" -Sander (Bon Bon)
You guys...we're gonna be on the Disney Channel. How cool is that?? Our cast, ONLY our cast of Camp Rock had the privilege of having Meaghan Martin from Camp Rock come to OUR theatre and spend her entire day with us. Not only was she the sweetest person, but she loved our performance, she even said that she can't do what we do. And that our cast is better than hers?? Wow. Now that says something. The entire Disney group that were there Friday night, freaked out over our performance. This is all because of you. We all made this possible. And on September 3rd, we'll all be watching the Disney Channel loving our lives. And no one can take that moment away from us.

From day one...I can't lie...I will say that it was a bit embarrassing to tell everyone that Jon and I were auditioning to be Jonas Brothers for the stage version of Camp Rock. Though I wanted to be a part of it all, it was still a bit awkward to tell some friends and family members. When Masterson got the rights to do the show, it was about 3am when Jon, Jacob Steele and I decided to go to a 24 hour walmart to buy Camp Rock 1. We ONLY bought the DVD of Camp Rock. The three of us grown men walked to the cashier, put down the dvd and said, "It's not what it looks like." Except, if she really knew why we were buying it...it probably would have sounded even MORE ridiculous. Haha. So we bought it, went home and watched the entire thing. My point is, today....there is no part of me that is embarrassed to say that I'm part of a Disney "Jonas Brothers" musical. It's insane how great our production is. Every part of each one of us should be extremely proud. We paid our dues and we proved that what we did this entire summer, was totally worth it.

It's closing night! Let's put it all out there for that audience to see tonight that we love what we do. And as sad as this day may be, let's remember that we'll all be back in November rehearsing to do it all over again =))

I love you guys.

I really mean it.

Have the greatest closing night one can have tonight. <3


"The friends we made, the fun we had, remembering's gonna make me laugh. It's a beautiful thing." -Shane Gray


"This is our song, that's all that matters cause we all belong right here together. There's nothing better than singing along. This is our summer, this is our song." -Cast of Camp Rock

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